A Hero's Tale

The day was greeted by a bright and cheery dawn, but our hero would know nothing about it. He had spent the better half of the previous night making elaborate schemes and last minute preparations for what is to happen later the next evening. Well, that and Linux.

Our hero woke up at half past 2 in the afternoon and without even considering breakfast went out to purchase the tool of his trade. A rubbery marvel that has saved the necks of many a lovers, dating back to the prehistoric times when it was not so rubbery, we can only imagine. Like a scavenger our hero pops his head in into every pharmacy, trying to find the least likely face who will judge him for what he intends to purchase. After getting what he wanted, our hero proceeded with the next phase of the plan. Pick up the young lady and go for a walk, with a hidden motive of stopping over at his friend's apartment.

Our hero was never punctual. He was even born 2 months "postmature", if such a word exists in the medical lexicon. Anyway, the friend, whose appartment our hero was supposed to occupy for the planned romantic evening, was getting bored waiting for him so he had just relaxed in front of the TV when our hero knocked on the door with his lady by his side. They were both escorted in and seated next to each other on the friend's luxurious sofa but there was a problem. Our hero's friend was showing no signs of leaving the lovebirds, making it difficult for our hero to initiate the planned ritualistic act of love-err..making. After a while of nervously fidgeting with this fingers, our hero was finally able to text message his friend "WTF Man?!? Get out,I cant make a move with u in the room". Reading this, the friend groaned a bit then stood up and promptly left the apartment. Our hero was still too nervous to make the crucial first move so continued watching the bleak program running on TV while going through what he had to say to her, on his mind that is, over and over again. After what seemed like an eternity, our hero moved closer to his lady and started 'necking' while still unable to muster enough courage to ask her into the bedroom. This continued for a little while when they 'rudely' interrupted by the friend, who had returned thinking that the action must've moved into the bedroom by now. As our hero and his lady were frantically trying to compose themselves, the nervous friend blurted out "Err.. why don't you guys go to the room??" Understandably, the lady was quite unnerved by this accidental and embarrassing interruption so was by now protesting to go home. Meanwhile, behind her back our hero was having a private conversation with his friend:
"I thought you guys would've moved back into the room by now. I am so sorry"
"Shh... quite down, ya nut. She might here us"
I am guessing she probably did, but she didn't show it... thankfully. So the lady was eventually returned home and our hero showed up at my doorstep and related all this to me. He suggested buying flowers to make up for a nightmare of a date so I escorted him to the florist.

"Six of those lovely roses, please" and after the florist turned her back to get them "How much are they?"
"Thirty Rufiyaa per rose. Would you like them ribbon-ed up?"
"Err... on second thought, make it just three"

So the morality of this story? Spend less time on your Linux programming efforts and more time discussing things with your lady. Also, try to ask for the price of things before ordering them up. ;)

National Bureau of pseudo-Classifications

I am against all most forms of censorship. Especially the kind that relate to the arts, whose many forms I happen to love. I am confident that most people will agree with me (to an extent) that censorship hinders the creative process of artists to produce art and erm... kitsch alike. However, not to be ignorant, I acknowledge a society's need for censorship which is to protect those people who either can be harmed or simply do not want to be exposed to certain offensive material which art can produce from time to time. So an ideal alternative to censorship would be classification so that artists can give a heads-up to those who prefer to stay away from art that is to their distaste.

The Maldives had always opted for censorship which annoyed me after a little incident in 2005. A friend and I wanted to check out his newly acquired credit card so we ordered two films from Amazon.com. In hindsight it was a pretty stupid thing to do, but nevertheless we received a notification letter from the Post Office exactly 3 weeks later. We went there to be informed that our films would be handed over the Film Censor Board for examination. Feeling helpless we consented and eagerly waited for our call from the Board. About 2 weeks later we received the call and were informed that one of the movies we submitted was to quote "banned from entrance into and exhibition in the Maldives" citing objectionable content while the other film barely escaped with an 18+ certification. We argued that the banned movie had nothing offensive to the current local culture and also pointed out the fact that the same title was even playing on Cable TV that week. The harder we argued, the more apparent it became... it was impossible to ask for an appeal so we just shipped the movie to a Singaporean friend who later sneaked back with it (awesome system eh?) At this point you might be wondering had I, in my infinite ignorance, imported softcore pornography. No, the titles were:

Aladdin (Disney Platinum Edition) and (Rated G for general in 2006)
Mummy / Mummy Returns (Collector's Edition) (Rated 18+ and 15+ respectively in 2006)

For this reason I was pleasantly surprised when I heard (in early 2006) that the Board had revised its criteria for evaluation and now opts for classification instead of censorship. They now called themselves the National Bureau of Classification to reflect that change. I decided that I would call them up and inquire about the newer supposedly laxed standards that the organization had just adopted only to find out (through a series of telephone discussions with an executive) that in practice, they were still exercising censorship. Their drastic makeover only consisted of copying movies into hard disks, editing and ultimately burning it into amateurish optical disks because they were unable to tape over the offending material like they did with the VHS tape. As I mentioned before, they have laxed their "Ban" criteria; titles with depictions of kissing (not intimate) and sex (no female frontal nudity) are no longer exported out as if it were pornography. This I suppose is an improvement but still is neither good enough nor does it comply with the standards they initialled boasted.

There are additional problems I find with this organization. One is that the NBC is unwittingly resorting to piracy with their current method of censorship. I did bring this issue up with the executive I mentioned earlier but he was sure that they were not violating any international copyright laws citing the British Board of Film Classifications' similar methodology. I had to remind him that, unlike Britain, Maldives does not have distributors of film-related intellectual property (who, in this case, would have the legal rights to modify the product to fit local customs and tastes). In the end he just blamed their incompetence on the lack of a proper regulatory framework and asked me to provide sample policies which they can possibly adopt in the future. (WTF?)

My other problem is that their "film classification" guideline seems to be extremely biased towards nudity by completely disregarding both context and subtlety of usage. Scenes depicting nudity even outside of sexual situations are excised without any consideration to the plot or any other aspect of the film. They do this, claiming to maintain their rationale of protecting families and children, while remaining completely oblivious to the adverse effects of exposure to violence. They have rated nearly 3,000 films till date and its highly unlikely that you will find a single movie or scene either banned or excised due to graphic violence from their extensive database which even maintains lists of excised scenes with time frames. Here are my case studies:

Sin City (2 scenes removed depicting nudity and sexuality, violence is acknowledged but left out. This movie has excessive violent depictions even compared to Western features).
Kill Bill Vol. 1 (Once again acknowledged but left out. Contains excessive violence including blood/gore although presented in a comical fashion).
Crash (Banned due to extreme graphic depictions of sex while violence is acknowledged though not attributed to their rating decision. This 1994 David Cronenberg film contains a fictional fetish where the characters are turned on by - automobile violence).

This hypocrisy does not end here. It extends to their stance on depictions of religious figures in film media. Movies such as Ben-Hur, Passion of the Christ and the Ten Commandments are all banned due to portrayal of Jesus and Moses while Bruce Almighty is left without a single cut even though it depicts Morgan Freeman as God Himself. It is important to note that countries like Malaysia initially banned the movie then allowed it to run heavily edited. (Not that I am supporting Malaysian censor policies).


Great work cutting out every butt and booby under the guise of "classification", guys. After all, its established scientific fact that nudity and sexuality are much more detrimental to a child's mental well-being rather than a scene of decapitation or disembowelment which will leave them dreaming about butterflies and bumblebees. While you are at it, may I suggest you change the last initial in your organization's name back to "Censorship" so that people like me will shut up once and for all.

A public-dignitary conflict

I am sick and tired of these damn foreign dignitary visits. Not because I am xenophobic (au contraire, I actually love foreigners -- especially hot chick foreigners) but merely because their arrival interfers with my life by causing all this traffic chaos. Its as if we should either stay indoors (imprisoning ourselves?) or vacate the city during the lenght of their visits to avoid constant traffic jams and detours. This gives me an idea... the government should just publish a mass (temporary) eviction order so these foreign jerks can enjoy an even enhanced sense of security (I think they get off on those kind of feelings). Here is an excerpt from a fictional press conference I just thought up of:

Presidential Spokesman: Good morning ladies and gentlemen. We are having this conference to announce what is called a "mass eviction" order to the citizens of the greater Malé area effective from 20th June 2007 till 23rd June 2007. This is to "commemorate" the King of Shitland, His Royal Majesty Ass Clown the 3rd's visit to our humble capital. I see a lot of you have questions at this point therefore I'll grant you 3 or 4. Yes, you... in the distant corner in the red shirt with a low neckline.
Journalist1: [Clearly distraught] Err.. you can't do this. This is ludicrous, I am not a lawyer but I am sure we can find at least one constitutional provision asserting our right to live here without let or hindrance from the government.
Presidential Spokesman: [Clears throat] I don't think so... You guys are constitutionally allowed freedom of speech but do we see that happening? Get my drift?
Journalist2: Just one question from here... are you out of you fucking mind?
Presidential Spokesman: [Calmly] Nope. I retain at least 30% of my brain functionality and I have been working for the Presidential Office for 3 years now. Thats quite an achievement you know. Which reminds me... you "constitution freaks" will love this. The earlier mentioned eviction thingy was issued under a special Presidential Decree which is entrusted in the President of the Republic of Maldives under Article 4 subsection D, so I strongly suggest you, meaning the beloved citizens, to pack your bags and vamoose.
Journalist3: [Filled with rage] But where the hell are we all supposed to go?
Presidential Spokesman: Pfft.. we maybe heartless bastards in making you leave your homes and business but c'mon, give us some credit. We are not a bunch of half-assed dimwits who only execute part of our jobs. We've set up lovely tent-based accommodations in the outer islands with all the third-world amenities you can ever dream of.
Journalist3: [Unconvinced] You mean refugee camps?
Presidential Spokesman: For the love of God!! Why didn't you call it a concentration camp? Anyway, this issue is not open to debate. I just cited a frakkin' Presidential Decree here. Now about the consequences of civil disobedience... if any of you wise guys, think you can outsmart or out-brawn the security forces by setting up protests and whatnot, I am obligated to remind you that the State will not hesitate on using pepper spray, tasers, canine flees and rabid cops to bring you under control. Furthermore we will proceed to prosecute any would-be offenders to the furthest extent of the Law, and by that we mean charge you with sedition and err... maybe even throw in terrorism while we are at it. We can tolerate a shitload of corruption and civil service ineptitude here but we are not going to tolerate anarchy [shudders]. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go ... just received an SMS from the big guy saying I got promoted to Foreign Minister. This press conference is so over.

On a more serious note, its unquestionable that they (dignitaries) need to visit and since the capital island is so damn small, can't anything be done to reduce the public-dignitary conflict which is pissing us all off?

Sad State of Affairs

I just came across this State of Environment Report 2001 (published by the then Ministry of Home Affairs, Housing and Environment) and read about aquifer contamination in both the islands and in Malé (p. 37-38, Paragraph 5). I was already familiar with the situation in the islands though most of them now has at least some sort primitive septic tank, but there are a lot of ways groundwater can get contaminated other than sewage. A hydrologist recently tested the water collected from one island household ground well and observed a thin film of oily substance resting on top of the water level. Tests conducted on this oil revealed its origin to be human. Not feces in this particular case, but the household from which the sample was obtained was right next to a cemetery. I'll leave you to guess what the oil was.

People in Malé, the grand capital of our nation, may not be drinking their own diluted feces and ... and their (for the lack of a better description) forefathers' liquefied remains (cemetery leachate?), but according to the aforementioned report our sewage system isn't exactly safe either. To quote:

"...there are critical design and long-term maintenance concerns that has contributed to rapid fecal contamination of Malé groundwater aquifer"

Under no circumstances am I trying to compare our misfortune with the plight of our fellow Maldivians in the islands. (We are just bathing and washing in it). I just wanted to convey the ironic disparity which exists in our nation even when it comes down to levels of contamination suffered by the populace.

Now assuming that all I said above is universal information, I am simply baffled because I have not, till date, heard a of a single public outcry demanding access to cleaner drinking water. Heck, if I had to drink and bathe in my own filth, I'd do a little more than make demands. So the big question is... why is nobody doing anything? Or am I just ignorant? (Note: The water tanks granted to many islands post-tsunami are not exactly safe either. I have seen reports claiming that the water collected is often contaminated by both feline and rodent excrement which has caused outbreaks of certain types of diseases, of which one is totally new. Check with DPH if you find it hard to believe me).

Its not just our water that is unsafe for consumption, but our air isn't exactly breathable either. Current waste disposal efforts in the central region of the country involves open burning (for compaction purposes; the government is too stingy to install a proper incinerator it seems) which releases "giant plumes of smoke" into the atmosphere. Apart from that, waste is disposed off in an unsanitary landfill site at Thilafushi island, which paves way for an immeasurable amount of leachate being released into the surrounding lagoon. Now unlike the previously mentioned water contamination issue, the Ministry of Environment, Energy and Water has been quite vocal on expressing their disapproval with all this. Which led me to do a bit of research into our legislature, in all its obsolete glory, to find out exactly who is responsible for protecting us from the elements. Article 3 of Environmental Protection Act (No: 4/93) reads:

"Formulating all policies for the environmental protection, preservation, making regulations and enforcement of these regulations, except those that have been delegated to another governmental authority by Law, shall be carried out by the Ministry of Planning and Environment."

Since our government keeps periodically shuffling its executive offices just like it does with its executive employees, I thought I'd point out the obvious here. Ministry of Planning and Environment is today's Ministry of Environment, Energy and Water who has somehow interpreted (and subsequently reduced) their obligation in this Act to provide vague commentaries and criticisms on all environmental violations. (I know the article mentions "except those that have been delegated to another governmental authority by Law" but the problem here is that no other authority has been entrusted by that non-existent law). Convenient huh?